(This next week I will be going on an individual reading and writing retreat at the Ladyminster monastery, so I may take a hiatus from writing this blog)

“After this many of Jesus’ disciples turned away and no longer walked with him.”  The Gospel according to St. John

“I lost the friends that I needed losing, found others on The Way.”  From the song “Caledonia” by Doug McClean[1]

“Losing a friend is the most frequent experience of absence.”  John O’Donohue[2]

When have you lost a friend?  Who was that friend?  What caused the loss?

Please take a moment to ponder those questions.

Sometimes we lose friends due to death.  This is especially true as we age.  Sometimes that friend is a spouse or partner, or an Anam Cara that we’ve known since childhood.

Sometimes the loss is due to a disagreement, a rending of the relationship that causes us to go our separate ways. 

Sometimes in that process we come to realize that the friend wasn’t really a friend at all.  That the relationship had been built like a house of cards, with no solid foundation.  Maybe we realize that it was all play-acting on both our parts.

The presence of a true friend, a soul friend, an Anam Cara is one of the most comforting and rewarding experiences that there are in a lifetime.  The absence or loss of a true friend is one of the most jarring and disturbing.  This is how O’Donohue describes it:

“Losing a friend is the most frequent experience of absence.  When you open yourself to friendship, you create a unique and warm space between you.  The tone and shape of this space is something you share with no one else.  Your friend struck a note in the chamber of your heart that no one else could reach.  The departure of the friend leaves this space sore with loss, some innocence within you is unwilling or unable to accept that one you gathered so close is now gone.  It is the longing for the departed friend that makes the absence acute.”[3]

After reading this I paused to reflect on the friends that I have lost in life.  My memories took me to the time when I left the Lutheran ministry.  I had a lot of clergy friends—or so I thought.  When I left, they dropped like flies.  It was as if I had leprosy and they wanted no more to do with me.  This was true even of those I considered to be my closest friends.  One told me that he never contacted me because he didn’t know what to say.  Another said that he was worried about my salvation.  Most said nothing—they just drifted away.  It was painful at the time.  But the song “Caledonia” made me realize that sometimes there are friends that need losing.

As I reflect on these experiences I realize that many of my “church friendships” were conditional.  It was based on being part of the club—of believing the same things.  It was also transactional; kind of a clergy quid pro quo arrangement.  The elements of friendship most needed and valued, such as honesty, vulnerability, love, grace, mercy, acceptance, forgiveness, were missing—and always had been.

The Lord embodies all of those essential qualities of friendship.  And is in fact the greatest Anam Cara.  As such he provides other friends that we find along The Way.  I can think of many of those as well.

One was in a small congregation that I served while in transition into my new life.  Lynda was delightful.  I was only in her physical presence for a short time, but we remain in phone contact to this day.  And like an old shoe, our friendship is comfortable, and we can pick up right where we left off.  Another was Gordy.  I met him because he had early onset Alzheimer’s.  We were such close friends that we even looked similar.  Unfortunately, he died of pancreatic cancer two years ago.  I miss him immensely and feel the pain of his absence even now.  Another was Kat.  I met her while at Iona.  It was a very brief encounter.  One sunny afternoon while we were both walking the path through the village.  We sat on a bench and talked for a time.  And then we went our separate ways.  But though it was short-lived, it was a moment that I cherish to this day.

Who do you have as an Anam Cara?

For as hard as it is to lose friends, to feel deeply their absence, it is delightful to gain close friends, to be in their presence.

That’s it—isn’t it?  The presence of a close friend, an Anam Cara, which can be temporary and transitory, or eternal.  My soul aches for such friends, and delights when they are found.

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[1] Caledonia is the historic name for Scotland.  One of my absolute favorites!  Take a listen if you’d like.

[2] “Eternal Echoes”, p. 222

[3] IBID, p. 222